Physical attractiveness, romantic love, and equity restoration in dating relationships.
Examples of the first are Einstein's explanation of the relationship between energy and Physical attractiveness, romantic love, and equity restoration in dating. The results suggest that we tend to form loving relationships with PA of the loved one on the desire to initiate a relationship with them, .. "Physical attractiveness, romantic love and equity restoration in dating relationships. Justice in Close Relationships Melvin J. Lerner, Gerold Mikula. Clark Physical attractiveness, romantic love, and equity restoration in dating relationships.
Love is not enough. Many people love each other even after they break up or divorce. Love is not the same as compatibility: Select the variables from this list and add your own that you think are important to the success of any relationship. Variables related more individually to you and your partner. Compatibility requires an adequate degree of the above positive qualities PLUS having enough additional values, interests, and other factors that are compatible so that people can enjoy each other enough without too much conflict.
Most persistent conflicts occur in areas where people are different in their values, beliefs, personality and communication styles, and interests. What qualities would you add to the above list that seem important to you? Think about activities and interests you might want to do with someone you are close to: Are your political, spiritual, ethical, relationship beliefs compatible enough so you can enjoy conversations in each of these areas and other areas with minimal conflict?
How much do you value money and various material possessions? How does each manage children? How neat and clean? A very important set of questions relate to your relationship and communication beliefs and habits. What about cultural, geographical, ethnic, family, and other background factors?
Personal habits such as smoking, cleanliness, thriftiness, orderliness, and creativeness? An important factor for many people has to do with values and motivation for achievement, power, self or spiritual growth, pleasing others, or being self-sufficient.
Research shows that the more alike people are on almost all of these variables-especially those important to one or both individuals-the more likely the relationship is to be happy and long-lasting.
The Natural Selection Process: Breakups are a result of incompatibility more than inferiority. Remember, you are looking for someone who is a lot like you on these above variables.
What do you think your potential "soulmate" the person who you will be most compatible with will be looking for? Anyone who will be very compatible with you will probably be looking for the same qualities in you.
You can't fool Mother Nature. Mother Nature says that people who are more similar and compatible will be happier together and continue to be more intimate. Those who are too different and incompatible will tend to drift apart. People who are not alike and are looking for different qualities will at least eventually not be happy with too much closeness together.
They will tend to leave or downgrade these relationships sooner or later. If it is sooner, before a great deal of emotional attachment occurs, the relationship ending is less painful. Rejection or natural selection? Therefore, if someone "rejects" you, it may be they have already detected that you two differ on one or more variables that would ultimately doom the relationship anyway.
It's NOT that you are necessarily inferior to your partner on some dimension, but you may be incompatible on one or more critical variables even if you are compatible on others. Tell yourself that this process of meeting people is a selection process in which people who are compatible enough will naturally be attracted to each other, get involved, be happy, and stay together if given the chance. When people are less compatible, they will tend to have more problems as they attempt to get closer, and the relationship will either end or revert back to a lower level of intimacy.
Develop And Practice a Brief Meeting People Strategy Decide upon a strategy for what you will do when you meet someone that interests you. Of course interest will vary as you interact. Part of you strategy should be to find people who are compatible with you and pursue a relationship with those who are. Pick a few of the most important variables from your list developed in the above exercises. Of course you will only approach someone for a friendship who meets some minimal criteria that you can easily observe such as appearance, basic social behaviors, being in a setting the denotes a common interest, etc.
Start with an introduction. In a brief meeting situation where you might never see the person again, ask questions and give information about important qualities on your list. Often people ask about jobs and career interests. This can lead to exchanging information about achievement motivation, education level and motivation, spiritual and self-growth motivation, importance of income and material life style, and many other factors. Talking about activities you spend a lot of time doing sports, movies, dance, reading, visiting family, etc.
These topics can sometimes naturally lead to an invitation for a second meeting or fantasies about doing them together. Tell your partner about your positive qualities: What will make the person you are meeting want to talk with you again and get further acquainted? Since the person who is a good compatibility match for you will share your values, beliefs, and interests to a great extent, the best way to answer this question may be to have you look at how you evaluate your partner.
What would make you want to see that person again? What would make them potential deep relationship partners? How do you rate this person after your first meeting? What are the main factors you are looking for? If you are looking for a person who is physically attractive, intelligent, educated, honest, open, confident, optimistic, enjoys sports and cultural activities, etc.
Did you present yourself or talk about yourself in a way that probably conveyed the right information and impression? Did the person learn that you are intelligent, educated, open, honest, enjoy sports and cultural activities, etc.?
When you talk about yourself, don't be too boastful or humble. Find the right humility-ability balance. Don't hide what might be perceived as strengths by someone you just met, but don't brag about them either.
How do you achieve that balance? Don't tell about what a great tennis player you are. Be more subtle and talk about how much you enjoy playing tennis and how often you play. Don't tell your partner you had a 3. Instead let them find out you have high grades or a high income more indirectly if you want them to know.
Compare, "I'm a top student; I have a 3. I was able to bring my average up to 3. The second focuses more on your feelings and motivation, and drops the 3.
Of course, if your partner has a 2.
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Which partner do you think you will be the most compatible within the intellectual area of your relationship? If you are very social and have lots of friends, let them know.
Similarly, if you have few friends and haven't dated much or at all, you will want to tell them so at some point. Maybe not when you first meet. However, you can tell them in a positive way see below. Also, your communication style will communicate a lot about yourself.
Remember factors discussed elsewhere about conversational balance, self-disclosure, focusing on feelings, good listening, resolving potential conflicts, etc.
Intimacy breeds intimacy, distance breeds distance. Asking Questions Effectively Asking questions is a good way to show interest in the other person, get information about them, and get them talking. Understanding a few basics about question asking can be helpful to a good conversation. Closed and open-ended questions. Closed-ended questions only require short, simple answers.
Open-ended questions encourage the person to give more free and intimate information. Examples of closed-ended questions include: Where do you live? Do you like that song? How old are you? Examples of open-ended questions include: How do you like your job? Why did you decide to major in music? Can you tell me more about that? How did you do that? A good way to get a conversation going is to first ask a closed question such as, "What is your career? See what you can learn from these, and pay attention to your own and others' conversational styles.
Often a conflict in styles can create conversational and relationship problems-even serious relationship problems. If you notice a difference in conversational styles with your partner, and feel you know the person well enough and that they are mature enoughthen try discussing these differences in a calm, friendly, nonjudgmental manner.
Try to see them as just interesting differences that can be overcome, and not some terrible rudeness on their part or yours. Discuss ways you can compromise and keep openly talking about those differences as they occur. Often these conversational styles are learned in one's family and are so ingrained and automatic, that they almost can't believe other people don't follow the same conversational rules.
To interrupt or not? Other people keep talking until they are interrupted. The second may sound "rude," but in fact that is how many people talk; and it is a very hard habit to break. You can see that these rules work fine with other people who are operating under the same rules. However, what happens in a conversation between these two people operating under different rules? As you can guess, the person who waits for an interruption may keep talking forever, while the listener grows increasingly resentful that the talker doesn't pause to let them talk.
After all the pauser "politely" avoided interrupting and waited forever to talk. Meanwhile the interrupter thinks everything is fine, but perceives the noninterrupter as being a little too quiet and unassertive. If the non-interrupter doesn't seem interested in another date or meeting, then the interrupter is very puzzled.
Type of language and different cultural backgrounds-Cultural Awareness. There are too many differences in the languages people use to discuss many. The most obvious is geographical. Do both people have the same English language background or is English a second language for one? If so, they may have some large differences in understanding of the same words.
Also, people less familiar with English-or even people from other U. If you are in a conversation with someone of a different language or cultural background and someone seems confused. Don't just ignore your own or the other's confusion. Language harshness, "maturity," or correctness. Some people use four-letter words or other more harsh or aggressive language freely, and others don't.
Physical attractiveness, romantic love, and equity restoration in dating relationships.
This can cause a real problem and leave a very negative impression-especially in an inappropriate setting e. If you use "harsher" language freely, it is probably wise to start conversations without that language, and gradually interject "harshness" to see if your partner is comfortable with it or not. One way to find out is to ask them. Another is to use a four letter word, watch the other's reaction, and also ask them how they feel about it.
Teenagers also have their own "culture. Do you speak in ways that are grammatically correct? Anyone who has seen "My Fair Lady" can appreciate the importance of learning to speak "correctly.
The more you want to be seen as socially "equal" to well educated and "high status" people, the more important it is that you don't say things like, "She like to eat chocolate. Impersonal, fact, theory, task-oriented, and idea-oriented language and conversations Some conversations are about theories, facts, tasks, etc. More generally, men have traditionally liked to talk more about business, science, sports, politics, religion, and economics.
They may like to discuss, debate, argue, theorize, present facts, and the like.
These conversations may tie closely to their career interests, but also may just be avocational interests. Problems can occur when there is a clash in views, level of interest, or level of knowledge.
However, there are at least temporary solutions to these problems. This is in contrast to mechanistic and generative explanations that aim to explain behavior or psychological phenomena in terms of the interactions of the components of the mechanism. Attractive people tend to pair with others of similar attractiveness with a correlation, r, in the. Physical attractiveness, romantic love, and equity restoration in dating relationships.
Skills For Meeting People, Dating, and Developing Intimacy
Journal of Personality Assessment, This suggests that people prefer others with the same or similar degree of attractiveness. This is a statistical explanation. The problem is that people typically prefer attractive people and not simple people of the same degree of attractiveness Curran, J.
The effects of physical attraction and attitude similarity on attraction in dating dyads. Journal of Personality, Kalick and HamiltonThe matching hypothesis reexamined. Agents were males and females that could use either of two simple rules: Choose another with similar attractivity.
Choose another that is the most attractive i. Each agent is assigned an attractiveness of 10 to 1 randomly. At each time step, a male and female were randomly paired. If both offered to date based on their decision rules, they were removed from the population. The simulation continued until all males and females were paired.
In those simulations in which rule 1 was used, the correlation between attractiveness in pairs was too high, in the. For rule 2however, the correlation was as predicted even though agents did not seek similar attractiveness.